How to Make a Bad Gift Even Worse

Here are some notes and observations about Mrs. Cheapskate – a character I'm sure will have a recurring role here at SWFS – who took up thirty minutes of my time yesterday. The reason I took so long with her was partly because she never shut up and partly because she was generally a pain in the ass. She was apparently buying some poor slob a wedding present:

1. Just because the groom is graduating from culinary school does not mean that a bunch of cheap cookbooks (I was able to dissuade her from including 365 Easy Chicken Recipes) make an ideal gift. One of my co-workers, who is also attending culinary school and also receives her fair share of cookbooks as gifts, raised an interesting question: if she was a stripper instead of a future chef, would people give her g-strings and platform shoes on her birthday? I’m sure the happy couple, like most people in the area, registered for their wedding at Crate & Barrel or Macy’s. Heaven forbid Mrs. Cheapskate gives them something they actually want or need.
   

2. She should never buy a wedding present from a bookstore’s bargain shelf. Spending $23 on five books is no way to show some love for a bride and groom, especially if she drove to the store in a Lexus.
   

3. A wedding is supposed to be all about the bride, no matter how much the groom thinks otherwise. Yet Mrs. Cheapskate was buying gifts that were clearly targeted at the groom. She could have made an effort to get them a gift they would both enjoy by purchasing something off of their registry.
   

4. Items on any store’s bargain racks are placed there for a couple of reasons: a) nobody wants them and b) they make terrible gifts (because nobody wants them).
   

5. I had meticulously added gift receipts to each of the books so that they could easily be exchanged for store credit when they inevitably boomerang back to the store. Yet Mrs. Cheapskate, in a fit of old world, flat-earth reasoning, grumbled “Young people return too much. That’s why they never have any stuff!” and then pulled all the gift receipts from the books. When I asked politely if she was certain this was how she wanted to proceed, this scion of generosity arrogantly stated that if they needed to return the books, they could let her know and she would forward the receipt. I had to bite my tongue; if I were the recipient of such lame gifts and haughty attitude, I would have been livid. My mother-in-law “doesn’t believe in” gift receipts, and it drives me bonkers. Not to beat a dead horse, but there wouldn’t be an issue one way or the other if Mrs. Cheapskate had simply given the couple something from their bridal registry. Of course, that might require that she spend more than $23…